People Pleasing or Self-Sabotage? EP 2
People pleasing is keeping you from being successful in business and life
I love people. I love loving, you will hear me say that all the time. it is truly a thing I think I will always have. But I am also learning that I can love so much deeper - and more real
When I come from a clean place. This means coming from a place where I don’t need anything in return
The definition of people pleaser - is doing things to please others
Even if it is against your values, against your boundaries.
As an ADHD entrepreneur I have operated from this people pleasing place a lot -
In fact that is one thing that almost every ADHD person has, people pleasing tendencies…
It doesn’t help that we have been told that our actions and words can hurt others. that we hurt so and so’s feelings.
That we need to give them a hug because we hurt them.
We have been taking responsibility for other peoples emotions our whole life.
This is an impossible task.
I used to hold employees hostage - at least it felt that way.
Employees that were too afraid to go out and start their own adventures,
But were frustrated by my ADHD brain. I wouldn’t let them go, have a more impactful experience-
Because I was afraid that it meant that I was a bad person.
That they would think I was a bad person for letting them go. That they would hate me.
Their friends would hate me. I held onto them forever. Trying to help them. Set boundaries, that would just get broken time and time again. I would over communicate -
I held onto this unhappy person for 5 years of business. wanting for them to see how much I loved them,
Cared for them,
Honored their ideas.
They felt love some of the time,
But they were also riddled with so much frustration for just the way my brain works.
All the ideas that I have,
All of the motion that is created,
Constantly changing - renovating
Researching,
Making things better.
All of these things drove this person crazy.
Instead of holding space for both of us -
Truly being love for this person.
I was operating from people pleaser.
Bending over backwards.
And allowing my boundaries to be crossed. Your business is stronger with the right people in the right seats People are going to think I am a terrible person to work for if I let this person go People are going to think whatever they want. you will never have any control over it, ever.
No matter how much you want to think otherwise, your thoughts about other people might have very little reflection on what they really are. That persons thoughts about you, are also just a simple interpretation of your words that they hear, through their lens, and their feelings in that moment. We can’t possibly be kind enough for some people. Being real, and kind because you want to is the best thing that you can ever do. Being fake, and agreeing with people so they will like you stinks- we can smell it from a mile away. I love all the humans, but I definitely have a hard time trusting someone if I feel that they are only saying something for me to like them. When they are going against their true thoughts. There is something so trustworthy about a friend that tells me when I have ketchup on my nose…or makes fun of me for getting barbecue sauce on my forehead. Being real takes strength and courage. It allows you to actually connect. You aren’t just disappearing into the background- with the same opinions as everyone else.
you are only in control of what you think, feel, and do.
It’s easy to believe: “If I hurt someone’s feelings I am a bad person”
But really only you can be the real judge of that. Being able to reflect back upon the way you showed up in that moment, can help you learn grow, and change over time.
I am a people pleaser that is working on recovering…haha I can’t even claim recovered people pleaser yet - nor am I totally sure I ever will.
Lots of times I have to reflect back on my energy, my actions that I took when I was in a difficult situation. When I was having to have confrontation, set boundaries. All these things are uncomfortable for any person- even if they have done them about a million times. I have to go back and reflect on how I showed up in the moment. Would I show up that way again? Was I proud of the words I used? Did I show up in love? This is more reflection that I can use for the next time. It also allows me to hold space for myself
Know that I am happy with the decisions I made
It brings my power back
I have the strength - that even if someone misunderstands me -
I understand myself
I understand that I truly did show up in love
Or this is how I can show up in my values a little better next time.
You are not a robot.
You might not be perfect.
They are not a robot.
They will not understand your word perfectly.
Nothing has gone wrong. They are not a bad person.
You are not a bad person.
It’s just how it is. surrounding ourselves with people that value us I used to- and still do often think that “If someone else misinterprets my behaviors - they are going to say bad things about me” this can feel really crippling when you have a business’ reputation also resting on your name…at least so your survival brain would like you to think The truth is, you are saying way worse things about yourself, than anything anyone else would probably ever say about you. The other thing is - If I am showing up in love, in my values. And someone else interprets it in another way that is completely against my values. If they get mad, and gossip. This makes it really easy for me to set a boundary with them.
I love loving. I would try to make people think good things about me through saying yes to things I really didn’t want to help with. Took care of them when they were too drunk. Bought them things so they could feel included. I used to come from this belief that they will eventually see their potential if I could love them enough. But every single time, they would eventually come to their true colors. When you are not being true to yourself, it is painful. If they are not being true to themselves, that is painful.
As soon as I adopted my awareness that I am going to be 100% true to myself in every single moment. It is so much easier for me to see the people that resonate with me, that I have fun with. Found people that love loving, love spiritual stuff, love thought work, being real, vulnerable, pushing their bodies. I was no longer trying to be a person everyone loves.
But a person that I loved. That I felt safe being. which created more and more loving, and safe relationships with people externally to me.
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We can look at ways you are self sabotaging through people pleasing
Or any other topic you would like to work on
Can’t wait to see you soon!
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